Children Behaving Badly

Today I had a meeting with eight professionals and the parents about their eight-year-old son. The meeting is called a Pastoral Support Process. This is a meeting for children who are at risk of falling out of the mainstream school system due to their behaviour. As I sat waiting for the meeting to start, I thought about the child.

Declan displays challenging behaviour on a regular occurrence and yet has the sweetest, kindest and most caring nature. He will stand in the middle of the road, hold up his hand to stop the traffic when his mother crosses the road. He will help and show empathy and care towards the nursery children in his school.

Mum has a debilitating disability. She can just about walk with two support frames and is unable to work due to her extreme disability. Getting out of bed is challenging enough, let alone getting a job. Dad is required to stay at home to support his wife and children. Declan is one of four children. He has poor eyesight and poor hearing. He has low cognitive ability and has under developed speech with social, emotional and behaviour needs and recently has a diagnosis of ADHD. He shares a bedroom with his angry 16-year-old brother, who tries to take control of his world by parenting Declan.

This is when you realise all the ‘cards are stacked against’ Declan from birth. Compare where Declan started at birth to someone else like Bill Gates; who is cognitively superior to his peers, educated with professional high earning parents. No wonder someone like Bill has achieved what he has in business and life. His starting point with no effort on his part is already built for the likelihood of success. As an adult, Bill Gates uses his financial advantages in life to help others through his numerous life changing projects.

When we are born, we have already won our ‘lottery ticket’. Bill Gates won top prize — what an incredible starting point. Declan’s ticket is less appealing, a ticket you are unlikely to want to win!

During the meeting Declan kept popping his head through the window.

He knew his parents were there.

He knew we were all talking about him.

He knew we were making decisions about him.

We could hear him scurry up and down the corridor.

Then there was a knock on the door.

The school secretary came to inform us that Declan had run into the office, dialed the police and told them, ‘My brother is stabbing me with a knife, he is going to kill me, come quickly!’

It was interesting how the adults reacted to this news. There was a great retelling of the event, what Declan had done and what Declan had said. Mum burst into laughter which was probably a reaction to embarrassment.

My curiosity kept wondering, ‘What is Declan trying to tell us?’

Mum and dad’s conclusion, ‘Declan just wants to get his own way.’ ‘He wants to control everything because he thinks he is the boss!’

What do you think Declan was telling us?

Do you see him as a naughty child?

Do you think he is undisciplined?

I wanted to try to shift mum and dad’s thinking to a different perspective.

BIG behaviour comes from BIG feelings. Declan is not a bad child. Declan is not a naughty child. Declan is communicating to us. He is communicating very loudly, very impactfully and very clearly — so we don’t miss it!

Yet unfortunately, all the adults do not hear him, do not listen to him and certainly do not understand him.

What should Declan do if he is not being heard? He needs to communicate louder with bigger behaviour — yes! No wonder Declan displays greater aggression with greater intent and greater noise. Why? Because no one hears him. Doesn’t that seem logical?

Imagine when you were a child and your parents were meeting the headteacher and other professionals. How would you feel?

Probably worried I expect. You would be thinking what are they saying about me? Is it good, is it bad?

I know I would be worried and probably highly anxious.

This is what Declan was feeling — ANXIOUS.

He was showing his anxiety in his dramatic, attention seeking behaviour which he has had to resort to, because no one hears him.

My passion is being the voice for the child. Helping parents to hear their struggling and isolated child be seen and heard from a different perspective.

A perspective that challenges the status quo.

I have years of evidence to prove this. I have worked as an Advisory Teacher and observed and collected enough evidence to sink a battle ship 100X over and more!

There is no doubt that Declan is hurting.

He is hurting very deeply inside.

Imagine you were hurting and no one listened.

I’m sure you would be aggressive too because none of us can escape the human drive to survive — flight or fight!

The next time you see a child acting, displaying behaviour that is confusing, ask yourself what is that BIG feeling inside, to show such BIG behaviour?